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Critic: Yeah, yeah, it does. Whatever you're about to say, being in a bunny suit pretty much destroys all credibility. Narrator: If you want my advice, and I know you didn't ask for it, go home, make up, and goodbye. Narrator: (voiceover) And that was it. Nothin' special. I just left him there in that secret spot of his. Just him and his thoughts. The screen begins waving Critic: And some hallucinogenic brownies that seem to be taking effect. North: Free agent. (echoes) Winchell (Matthew McCurley): (suddenly appears in closeup) What a scoop! The Critic recoils in disgust Winchell: A kid becoming a free agent! It's brilliant, North! (kisses North on his forehead) Critic: Thanks...prepubescent Larry King.

Critic (VO): So he tells his friend Winchell, who works at the school paper, about his plan to possibly divorce his parents. But he decides to give them one last chance by giving them a call to talk to them. So he places a call to the pants factory where his father works, where... A worker walks down a hallway, where people are inexplicably dressed as a golfer, lumberjack, and Bavarian. Critic: (voiceover) Wait...what the hell? Why is there a...Huh? What?! Critic: What the hell's going on in the background? Who owns this pants factory? Willy Wonka? Narrator: That's bad. Critic: (voiceover) After his dad blows him off, North finally decides to cut the leash and officially divorce his folks, hiring a lawyer, played by Jon Lovitz. Dad 2: Come on, Andy, his folks are gonna fight it! Mom 2: Of course they are. They're not going to take this lying down. North's parents read the article and faint right on their doorstep Critic (VO): Get it? They said lying down and now they're lying down. I just wanted to explain that because, you know, it's so subtle. So, they go to court where the judge, played by Alan Arkin, is about as plausible as that idiot who judged the Anna Nicole Smith trial. Judge Buckle: Even though both sides will be saying things, and I will be hearing them, it is still not a hearing! No doubt, you'll all be hearing the same things that I am hearing. That's your privilege. However, once both sides have been heard, then it will be my job to pass judgement. Obviously, you can all pass judgement, too, but it won't count. Critic: You know, it was a bold move on Reiner's part to deprive this movie of any charm. They could have had a couple of clever moments. But this director said, "Nope! That's what they'd be expecting us to do." Judge Buckle: Have I made myself clear to the defense? Defense Attorney: Your Honor... (Looks at North's parents, now encased in glass blocks) the defense rests. Cut back to the Critic, staring into the camera for a few seconds. Critic: Wow. I mean... wow. That is the worst joke I have ever heard in my entire life. They did it! They did it! They made the worst joke of all time! Give them a round of applause, everybody! It's incredible! Cut to a clip from UHF, where the masses are celebrating this tremendous accomplishment along with the Critic. A caption reading "Worst Joke Ever!!!!!!" appears over video of fireworks

Critic: (wipes a tear from his eye) Awful. Awful. Back to the movie Critic (VO): So... (sighs) North has the summer to find new parents or they'll apparently put him in an orphanage. Judge Buckle: And if any of you has ever seen the Little Rascals, ho-ho-ho! You know that's no day at the beach! Critic: (imitating the judge) I like to judge things by 1920s comedies! You know, instead of those useless facts or statistics. North arrives in an airport and Pa and Ma Tex greet him, wearing flashy, ultra-flamboyant cowboy-esque clothing Critic (VO): So, North first heads to Texas, where he tries spending time with his first set of parents, played by Dan Aykroyd and Reba McEntire. At their home, servants pile food onto North's plate Pa Tex: Well, I reckon we'll wake up early and eat, then we'll dig for oil and eat, then we'll rope some doggies, bust a few broncs, and then maybe we'll grab a bite to eat. Critic: Wow. I mean, there's stereotypes and then there's...this. Critic (VO): I mean, this isn't even how people in Texas dress. This isn't even how cowboys dress! This is like how ice skaters dressing up like cowboys dress! North: Sorry. Critic (VO): So North notices that his new folks really want to fatten him up. But why? Ma Tex: Then you'll be like Buck. North: Who? Pa Tex: Our first son. The biggest boy this big state's ever seen. Why, he could eat more in one day than anyone else could eat in a whole month. Ma Tex: That's why Buck hated February. North: Where is Buck? Pa Tex: (solemn) He died in a stampede. North: Oh, I'm so sorry. Pa Tex: Needless to say, it was a mighty big loss. Critic: Did I miss something here? I mean, what was the point of that conversation? Was something funny said? They had a son, the son dies, so...so what? Critic (VO): They have a son, the son is fat, he dies in a stampede, so where's the humor? Critic: In fact, I'm going to play a little game with you. It's a wonderful game to play with a lot of really bad movies and it's simply called..."Spot the Joke!" The scene is replayed, this time with the Jeopardy! "think music" playing over it Critic (VO): All right, listen closely. There has to be some humor in here somewhere. Pa Tex: Why, he could eat more in one day than anyone else could eat in a whole month. Critic: No, nothing funny yet. Ma Tex: That's why Buck hated February. Critic: Not even a giggle. Pa Tex: (solemn) He died in a stampede. North: I'm so sorry. Pa Tex: Needless to say, it was a mighty big loss. Critic: Oh, oh, oh! Wait a minute! "Big loss"...because he's fat...and dead...and fat dead people are apparently hilarious! Critic (VO): 35 seconds of buildup for a fat dead person joke. Critic: Ho-ho! I hope you enjoyed playing. Tune in next time...which will probably just be in a few seconds. Ma Tex: Ready, Pa? Pa Tex: Ready, Ma! Ma Tex: (suddenly singing, to the tune of the Bonanza theme) We had a son who was trampled by a ton of longhorns! Critic: Hello...song? Critic (VO): Yeah, apparently there's a song in this movie, even though there's not one anywhere else. Is it a funny song? (beat) No. Ma, Pa, and Servants: 'Til your can's bigger than the big ol' Texas sky! Critic: (voiceover) Oh, this must have been that missing Beauty and the Beast song, "Be Our Hostage". As the song continues, NC starts to get annoyed and disgusted. Ma and Women: You'll grow tall, and play football, be FA-MOOOOOOOOOOOOOUS! Pa and Men: You'll grow more, own a chain of stores, marry Betsy-Lou! Critic: (VO) This is awful!

Critic: I haven't heard music this bad since Woody Woodpecker sang "Ride of the Valkyries" at the Lyric Opera! Cut to an image of Woody against a red curtain, singing Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" to his trademark laugh, then it's back to the scene Ma, Pa, and Servants: Oh, North, North! Grow big! (The song ends, and they get back in their seats) Pa Tex: 'Nother rib, son? Critic: (imitating North) No, but a legitimate joke would be nice. North is now outside Critic (VO): So, North sits and thinks about what the flying fuck he just saw when we're approached by an old familiar face. That's right, it's Bruce Willis again! He's a cowboy now! Narrator: You know, down here in these parts, we got a sayin'. Sometimes when you're pannin' for gold, you gotta try more than one stream. Critic: I'm familiar with another saying. "Stop following me or I'll call the police." Critic (VO): So, his next stop is Hawaii, where he comes across Governor Ho and Mrs. Ho, who also want to adopt him. Mrs. Ho (Lauren Tom): In Hawaii, "aloha" means "hello" and "good-bye". North: Doesn't that get confusing? Governor Ho (Keone Young): Only when you're firing someone. North: Oh. Well, aloha! Critic: (In a New York-style accent) Whaddya mean I'm fired?! Critic (VO): So, are there as many ethnic stereotypes in Hawaii as there are in Texas? Do volcano gods eat virgins? Governor Ho: Here in the islands, we have only twelve letters in our alphabet. North: I didn't know that! Governor Ho: Sure, just think about it. Waikiki, Honolulu... North: Well, that's very interesting, but how does that help me get into college? Governor Ho: Well, since we don't use the letters B, C, D, and F, you're pretty much guaranteed to get straight A's. Critic: (Rubbing his face in annoyance) Good gravy, the jokes on Happy Meals are funnier than this. Critic (VO): But North is also wondering why the governor and his wife want to adopt him in the first place. Governor Ho: Hawaii is a lush and fertile land. In fact, there's only one barren area on all of our islands. Unfortunately, it's...Mrs. Ho. (Mrs. Ho, just as offended by that joke as us viewers, turns to her husband and gives a dirty look.)

Critic: (Raises his hands) That's the worst thing ever uttered by humans. This movie is pure evil. Critic (VO): I mean, what is up with these jokes? They are horrible! You know what? I don't even think Rob Reiner was paying attention! I think he just wanted to go on vacation and somehow get paid for it! So he made a cheap-ass movie shouting "Cut!" every couple of minutes while he sat around swinging on a hammock! That, at least, would be a more believable excuse! Governor Ho: Please give a big, warm Hawaiian welcome to our new pride and joy, our son, North! A billboard is unveiled, revealing a parody of the Coppertone ads, with an octopus pulling down North's swim trunks, exposing his butt Critic: (quietly) What? North: What is that? Governor Ho: Son, that will be in every airport, along every highway... North: My crack?! What gives you the right to show my crack in every highway?! Critic: I agree. That needs an answer. Governor Ho: I'm the governor of a state that's running a little low on self-esteem. Mrs. Ho: He's right. People from the mainland just don't care about Hawaii. North: Excuse me, but what does this have to do with my crack?! Critic: Again, a legit point. Governor Ho: If you lived here in Hawaii, people would be more inclined to settle here! North: I don't know. I... I need some time to think, okay? Critic: Yes, like, what the hell does any of this have to do with his motherfucking crack?!! Critic (VO): How would that promote tourism? It's disgusting! Whenever people visit Hawaii, they want them to think of pale boy butt? Critic: What is this movie's fascination with Elijah Wood's nether regions? Critic (VO): Oh, by the way, Bruce Willis pops up again. Yeah, I guess he's supposed to be like the mysterious mentor that follows him around, but I don't know. I think he's more like the annoying mushroom that says "our princess is in another castle." You just wanna smack him every time he appears. North: But I don't think I should settle for parents who have to show my most private crevice on a billboard to make them feel better about themselves! Critic: That's nothing. You should see what Governor Palin is doing with her kids. Critic (VO): And speaking of Alaska, that's where North is off to next, where the plane lands on the ground and...wait, what? A plane lands in and slows as it nears a building. Its nose touches the glass. Critic: WHERE'S THE JOKE?!! I don't get it! The plane touches the window...why is that funny?! ANSWER ME!!! Critic (VO): So, he gets to the Eskimo village where...oh, God, this isn't inaccurate at all, is it? It's like if The Polar Express meets The Flintstones.